LIFE CODE by Dr. Phil McGraw
A Review and Summary by Dennis Ginoza
In
this world there are jerks, bad guys, problem people, cons—people who simply
take advantage of other people. At
first, you will think they are reasonable, decent people. Dr. Phil offers a real help in identifying
and recognizing destructive types of behavior.
He helps us live in the real world.
These
types of people are called: BAITERS.
B Backstabbers
A Abusers
I Imposters
T Takers
E Exploiters
R Reckless
These
are people who can be next door, in your family, in the social scene, in
corporate industry, in churches, in the sports world—anywhere you might
encounter them. This book comes as a
help, a warning, and a resource. Baiters
lie, cheat, steal, deceive, and have no regard for anyone else except
themselves.
THE “EVIL EIGHT” Identifiers of the BAITER
1.
“They see
the world through lens of arrogant entitlement and frequently treat people as
targets.”
People are seen as objects,
someone to take advantage of for their personal gain, not anyone else’s. They see things as: “This is mine.”
2.
“They
lack empathy.”
They are cold, don’t share
feelings, and don’t appreciate other people’s point of view except their
own. They have a history of cruelty to
animals, unconcerned of another’s suffering or pain.
3.
“They are incapable of feeling remorse/guilt and
don’t learn from situation to situation.”
They pursue personal
gratification without fear of consequence and without conscience. They do not
have the ability to feel guilt, sorrow, nor feeling bad about what they have
done. Often they are found to be molesters
and killers.
4.
“They are
irresponsible, self-destructive, and disregard the well-being of others.”
To them everyone else is a fool,
they are self-centered, even self-destructive.
They don’t follow rules. They are
narcissistic and irresponsible.
5.
“They thrive on drama and crisis.”
This destructive behavior often started
around puberty. Normal children are
taught and learn that other people have rights, not a BAITER. They need drama, they stir up things, and
love power to get a reaction from people.
“They thrive on a good fight, a good scandal, a good drama.”
6.
“They
brag about outsmarting other people.”
To them cheating another is being smarter,
they see others as suckers. They brag
about screwing other people, don’t understand how people can see things
differently from them. They gain no
insight from self-reflection.
7.
“They
have a pattern of short-term relationships.”
They are incapable of making human connections, developing genuine
relationships, but they can give the illusion that they are giving, even
over-giving. Their favorite topic is
themselves.
8.
“They live in a fantasy world marked by
delusion.”
Baiters see themselves as victims or on the
other hand in exalted status. They are
pros in lying and live in a fantasy they can beat a polygraph test. In paranoia they turn to aggression to defend
themselves, a kind of distorted self-defense.
Most of us are
taught at an early age to give people “the benefit of the doubt.” Dr. Phil cautions, don’t begin there with
BAITERS. He says “Rethink your trusting
people.” In business be sure to have a
credit and legal history. Ask, how do they problem solve?
Dr. Phil speaks
of doing a “situational scan.” Get a
feel of the room, see what’s going on, read the audience. Most people, he says, have a social
sensitivity. When you go in a
restaurant, for example, sit where you can see the largest part of the
room. If someone comes by and seem
enchanted by you, ask “Why?” Be
ultra-aware where alcohol is consumed.
BAITERS use behavioral
tactics, Dr. Phil calls” THE NEFARIOUS 15.
#1 “They infiltrate
your life, seducing with promises and flattery.”
At first it is
difficult to distinguish someone who is genuine and someone with an ulterior
motive. Child molesters, for example,
are masters in grooming a child and the victim’s family. They seem to do all the right things, giving
time, giving gifts, then begin to abuse.
Observe, the
target may be you, your money, reputation, job, spouse, or social
position. They identify needs and
weaknesses and offer solutions. They
offer flattery. They are “con artists.”
#2 “They define you
as a conspiratorial confidant.”
They work on
peope’s vulnerability, people willing to gossip, and exploit by fostering
“conspiratorial relationships.”
Everything is seen as a “secret.”
They share intimate life details and experiences to suck you in. When you share the same confidentiality of a
personal experience, you are caught in that unhealthy behavior.
#3 “They are too
focused on getting your approval—as though their existence depends on your
accepting them.”
BAITERS are
extremely insecure and they are always seeking allies and supporters. Be cautious, says Dr. Phil, when you see them
“working on you” and not helping you solve your problem. Manipulation is the method used.
#4 “They are always
gathering data and “building a file” on you.
Everything they do, every interaction, is for a purpose.”
They are always
looking for flaws, weaknesses, vulnerabilities, and a way to get inside another
person. The BAITER cannot engage in back
and forth normal social exchange, because they are too preoccupied in obtaining
an upper leverage. They can give the
appearance of being engaged, but flattery is more seeking approval or used as
seduction. They work to eliminate
competition.
#5 “They consistently
misdirect and maintain a mystery about who they really are; they answer
questions that weren’t asked; they obfuscate.”
“People who have
nothing to hide, hide nothing,” says Dr. Phil.
They avoid or distort their past.
They focus on irrelevant details and answer questions not asked. They know what the heart of the matter is, in
a conversation, but they are hard to pin down.
#6 “When confronted
with problems, they always blame others.”
“They are never
wrong, never responsible, never accountable, and never willing to step down and
own their part in a negative situation,” says Dr. Phil. It’s always a blame game, it’s somebody’s
else fault, not theirs. “Deflection,
deflection, deflection,” is their game and they are good at it.
#7 “They lie, either
by misstatement or by omission; they understand that lies with a kernel of
truth are the most powerful.”
BAITERS are masters at lying. They lie with three types of
misdirection: affirmative misstatements,
lies by omission, and lies by “half-truths.”
They have no conscience so lying does not bother them. They will work with your reaction then hammer
those points.
#8 “They are frauds;
they cheat, and they steal property, information, and credit for other people’s
work and claim false competencies to gain trust and reliance.”
Children are
taught, you don’t take what is not yours and as Dr. Phil was taught by his
parents, you work for what you want.
BAITERS make claims on what is not theirs, they falsify documents and
their true actions. “Earned or stolen is
no different for them.”
#9 “They isolate
their victims and foster dependency to obligate you and gain leverage and
power.”
“The number-one
weapon of abusers in general is isolation,” says Dr. Phil. They will keep you from “reality checks,
encouragement, validation, or differing opinions.” They will work and make you indebted to them
and thus have control over you.
#10 “When in a
position of power and authority, they abuse it with self-dealing and
egomaniacal conduct.”
With the lack of
empathy and the inability to have remorse, they will see the world for their
taking. Bernie Madoff is an example of
such extremity in behavior. BAITERS have
no ability to comprehend the pain they have caused on anyone.
#11 “They ID your
sensitivities and hot buttons to gain leverage.”
They will find
out what sets you off and they will use general human decency or your concern
as a leverage. Dr. Phil identifies this
as “emotional extortion.” They will play
on your guilt. They will play on your self-doubt,
your lack of education, your pet peeve, whatever might be your hot-button and
your vulnerability.
#12 “They have ‘selective memory’ and are
revisionist historians; they reframe reality.”
Because BAITERS
are such “consummate liars, ” they can rewrite history for self-serving
purposes; then using it instead of telling a specific lie. They remember the details that serve only
them and forget all else. They “spin” to
support their particular position. When
you find you are at “crosshairs” with a BAITER, you are not insane.
#13 “They are
two-faced; they spread lies and gossip—pretending to be your friend and ally to
give you a false sense of security while being disloyal.”
BAITERS are so
narcissistic, they don’t realize you can see through them when it comes to
gossip and spreading false information.
They believe that thrashing a person is one to way to get ahead.
They use character assassination tactics then recruit others for
support. When they get a person to
switch allegiance, they have strengthened their position and weakened
yours. To your face, they will convey to
you their loyalty.
#14 “Because they are
paranoid, they get you’ before you get them.”
Dr. Phil’s dad
said, “we can see in others only that which we possess within ourselves.” Therefore, non-BAITERS cannot easily see a
con man, an abuser, or a crook. “They
can’t help themselves,” and “they will
not be a sucker for anybody.” When
things are going well and everyone is happy, they will cross the line, says Dr.
Phil, because they fear you will take advantage of them. BAITERS move with a different agenda from a
social grouping when they find, they have difficulty belonging.
#15 “They are masters
of passive-aggressive sabotage.”
BAITERS can be
overt in their approach or subtle as they undermine you. They will give you one message in support
while they will use “guerilla warfare” to defeat you. Dr. Phil points out, ask yourself how a true
friend will behave. A true friend
“wouldn’t lie to you, cheat you, or steal from you.” A true friend “wouldn’t take credit for work
you did.”
Psychologists
have found that children learn and model their life after their parents. Dr. Phil writes, “The most powerful role
model in any child’s life is the same-sex parent.” Boys learn from their fathers, girls from
their mothers. By the time a child
reaches adolescence, they’ve carved out a pattern of behavior for their secret
“play book.”
For this
reason, BAITERS are resistant to
counseling. Counseling sometimes
reinforces their behavior because they learn the language of the therapist and
learn to do more effectively their deceptive behavior. “Don’t be fooled.” When you have a “gut instinct,” Dr. Phil
emphasizes, “really listen to their words.”
In
LIFE CODE, Dr. Phil outlines the above categories to help cite, define,
understand, and not be mislead or victimized by BAITERS. To safeguard oneself from BAITERS, there are
things we can do, actions we can take.
Be knowledgeable of how you present yourself to others. Be able to distinguish yourself from
others: know you are unique. Play big—stand up for the positive, be
constructive, work your personal plan of importance in the right way.
To
live in this world, realize that you win by being recognized, complimented,
sought after, and appreciated. Accept
praise in a gracious way. Know and
develop the best image—the need to become “essential.” Work on what you want in life, not on what
you don’t’ want. Always work with a plan—create a “guidance system for
yourself.” Dr. Phil continues, don’t
allow yourself to be taken for granted.
Be interesting and develop a degree of “mystery.” “Keep things close to your vest.” Become a student of human nature. “Be in investigatory mode”—by paying attention
to how people react to happenings, events, or stimuli. With your mastery of a skill, “behave your
way to success.”
We
do not live in this world alone. Strive
to surround yourself with a nucleus of people, supporters who share your same
passion. Always deal with the
truth. Remember, “people’s favorite
topic is themselves.” Be aware of ego
and greed of others to create your path to success.
A COMMENTARY
I highly
recommend this book by Dr. Phil McGraw, to those who want to live safely, successfully,
and peacefully in this ego, self-driven, aggressive world. The virtues of being nice, helpful, and
benevolent are foundations of healthy living.
However, naivete, being off guard, and unprepared will lead us to be
scammed, victimized, and exploited.
In the end
goodness and goodwill will prevail, but at the same time, we must be wise and
strong in the midst of an adversarial world.
Dennis
Ginoza, July, 2014
LIFE CODE by Dr. Phil McGraw
Copyright 2012 by Phillip C. McGraw
Bird Street Books, Inc.
Los Angeles, California
A New York Best Seller
