LIFE CODE by Dr. Phil McGraw

A Review and Summary by Dennis Ginoza

                In this world there are jerks, bad guys, problem people, cons—people who simply take advantage of other people.  At first, you will think they are reasonable, decent people.  Dr. Phil offers a real help in identifying and recognizing destructive types of behavior.  He helps us live in the real world.

                These types of people are called:  BAITERS.

                B  Backstabbers

                A  Abusers

                I    Imposters

                T   Takers

                E  Exploiters

                R  Reckless

                These are people who can be next door, in your family, in the social scene, in corporate industry, in churches, in the sports world—anywhere you might encounter them.  This book comes as a help, a warning, and a resource.  Baiters lie, cheat, steal, deceive, and have no regard for anyone else except themselves.

THE “EVIL EIGHT” Identifiers of the BAITER

1.        “They see the world through lens of arrogant entitlement and frequently treat people as targets.” 

People are seen as objects, someone to take advantage of for their personal gain, not anyone else’s.  They see things as:  “This is mine.”

2.         “They lack empathy.” 

They are cold, don’t share feelings, and don’t appreciate other people’s point of view except their own.  They have a history of cruelty to animals, unconcerned of another’s suffering or pain.

3.       “They are incapable of feeling remorse/guilt and don’t learn from situation to situation.” 

They pursue personal gratification without fear of consequence and without conscience. They do not have the ability to feel guilt, sorrow, nor feeling bad about what they have done.  Often they are found to be molesters and killers.

4.        “They are irresponsible, self-destructive, and disregard the well-being of others.”

To them everyone else is a fool, they are self-centered, even self-destructive.  They don’t follow rules.  They are narcissistic and irresponsible.

5.       “They thrive on drama and crisis.”

This destructive behavior often started around puberty.   Normal children are taught and learn that other people have rights, not a BAITER.  They need drama, they stir up things, and love power to get a reaction from people.  “They thrive on a good fight, a good scandal, a good drama.”

      

6.        “They brag about outsmarting other people.”

To them cheating another is being smarter, they see others as suckers.  They brag about screwing other people, don’t understand how people can see things differently from them.  They gain no insight from self-reflection.

7.        “They have a pattern of short-term relationships.”
They are incapable of making human connections, developing genuine relationships, but they can give the illusion that they are giving, even over-giving.  Their favorite topic is themselves.

8.       “They live in a fantasy world marked by delusion.”

Baiters see themselves as victims or on the other hand in exalted status.  They are pros in lying and live in a fantasy they can beat a polygraph test.  In paranoia they turn to aggression to defend themselves, a kind of distorted self-defense.

     Most of us are taught at an early age to give people “the benefit of the doubt.”  Dr. Phil cautions, don’t begin there with BAITERS.  He says “Rethink your trusting people.”  In business be sure to have a credit and legal history.  Ask,  how do they problem solve? 

     Dr. Phil speaks of doing a “situational scan.”  Get a feel of the room, see what’s going on, read the audience.  Most people, he says, have a social sensitivity.  When you go in a restaurant, for example, sit where you can see the largest part of the room.  If someone comes by and seem enchanted by you, ask “Why?”  Be ultra-aware where alcohol is consumed. 

     BAITERS use behavioral tactics, Dr. Phil calls” THE NEFARIOUS 15.

#1  “They infiltrate your life, seducing with promises and flattery.”

      At first it is difficult to distinguish someone who is genuine and someone with an ulterior motive.  Child molesters, for example, are masters in grooming a child and the victim’s family.  They seem to do all the right things, giving time, giving gifts, then begin to abuse. 

      Observe, the target may be you, your money, reputation, job, spouse, or social position.  They identify needs and weaknesses and offer solutions.  They offer flattery.  They are “con artists.”

#2  “They define you as a conspiratorial confidant.”

      They work on peope’s vulnerability, people willing to gossip, and exploit by fostering “conspiratorial relationships.”  Everything is seen as a “secret.”  They share intimate life details and experiences to suck you in.  When you share the same confidentiality of a personal experience, you are caught in that unhealthy behavior. 

#3  “They are too focused on getting your approval—as though their existence depends on your accepting them.”

          BAITERS are extremely insecure and they are always seeking allies and supporters.  Be cautious, says Dr. Phil, when you see them “working on you” and not helping you solve your problem.  Manipulation is the method used.

#4  “They are always gathering data and “building a file” on you.  Everything they do, every interaction, is for a purpose.”

     They are always looking for flaws, weaknesses, vulnerabilities, and a way to get inside another person.  The BAITER cannot engage in back and forth normal social exchange, because they are too preoccupied in obtaining an upper leverage.  They can give the appearance of being engaged, but flattery is more seeking approval or used as seduction.  They work to eliminate competition.

#5  “They consistently misdirect and maintain a mystery about who they really are; they answer questions that weren’t asked; they obfuscate.”

     “People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing,” says Dr. Phil.  They avoid or distort their past.  They focus on irrelevant details and answer questions not asked.  They know what the heart of the matter is, in a conversation, but they are hard to pin down.

#6  “When confronted with problems, they always blame others.”

     “They are never wrong, never responsible, never accountable, and never willing to step down and own their part in a negative situation,” says Dr. Phil.  It’s always a blame game, it’s somebody’s else fault, not theirs.  “Deflection, deflection, deflection,” is their game and they are good at it.

#7  “They lie, either by misstatement or by omission; they understand that lies with a kernel of truth are the most powerful.”

 BAITERS are masters at lying.  They lie with three types of misdirection:  affirmative misstatements, lies by omission, and lies by “half-truths.”  They have no conscience so lying does not bother them.  They will work with your reaction then hammer those points.

#8  “They are frauds; they cheat, and they steal property, information, and credit for other people’s work and claim false competencies to gain trust and reliance.”

     Children are taught, you don’t take what is not yours and as Dr. Phil was taught by his parents, you work for what you want.  BAITERS make claims on what is not theirs, they falsify documents and their true actions.  “Earned or stolen is no different for them.”

#9  “They isolate their victims and foster dependency to obligate you and gain leverage and power.”

     “The number-one weapon of abusers in general is isolation,” says Dr. Phil.  They will keep you from “reality checks, encouragement, validation, or differing opinions.”   They will work and make you indebted to them and thus have control over you. 

#10  “When in a position of power and authority, they abuse it with self-dealing and egomaniacal conduct.”

      With the lack of empathy and the inability to have remorse, they will see the world for their taking.  Bernie Madoff is an example of such extremity in behavior.  BAITERS have no ability to comprehend the pain they have caused on anyone. 

#11  “They ID your sensitivities and hot buttons to gain leverage.”

     They will find out what sets you off and they will use general human decency or your concern as a leverage.  Dr. Phil identifies this as “emotional extortion.”  They will play on your guilt.  They will play on your self-doubt, your lack of education, your pet peeve, whatever might be your hot-button and your vulnerability.

#12    “They have ‘selective memory’ and are revisionist historians; they reframe reality.”

       Because BAITERS are such “consummate liars, ” they can rewrite history for self-serving purposes; then using it instead of telling a specific lie.  They remember the details that serve only them and forget all else.  They “spin” to support their particular position.  When you find you are at “crosshairs” with a BAITER, you are not insane.

#13    “They are two-faced; they spread lies and gossip—pretending to be your friend and ally to give you a false sense of security while being disloyal.”  

     BAITERS are so narcissistic, they don’t realize you can see through them when it comes to gossip and spreading false information.  They believe that thrashing a person is one to way  to get ahead.  They use character assassination tactics then recruit others for support.  When they get a person to switch allegiance, they have strengthened their position and weakened yours.  To your face, they will convey to you their loyalty.

#14  “Because they are paranoid, they get you’ before you get them.”

     Dr. Phil’s dad said, “we can see in others only that which we possess within ourselves.”  Therefore, non-BAITERS cannot easily see a con man, an abuser, or a crook.  “They can’t help themselves,”  and “they will not be a sucker for anybody.”  When things are going well and everyone is happy, they will cross the line, says Dr. Phil, because they fear you will take advantage of them.  BAITERS move with a different agenda from a social grouping when they find, they have difficulty belonging.

#15  “They are masters of passive-aggressive sabotage.”

     BAITERS can be overt in their approach or subtle as they undermine you.  They will give you one message in support while they will use “guerilla warfare” to defeat you.  Dr. Phil points out, ask yourself how a true friend will behave.  A true friend “wouldn’t lie to you, cheat you, or steal from you.”  A true friend “wouldn’t take credit for work you did.”

     Psychologists have found that children learn and model their life after their parents.  Dr. Phil writes, “The most powerful role model in any child’s life is the same-sex parent.”  Boys learn from their fathers, girls from their mothers.    By the time a child reaches adolescence, they’ve carved out a pattern of behavior for their secret “play book.”

     For this reason, BAITERS are  resistant to counseling.  Counseling sometimes reinforces their behavior because they learn the language of the therapist and learn to do more effectively their deceptive behavior.  “Don’t be fooled.”  When you have a “gut instinct,” Dr. Phil emphasizes, “really listen to their words.”

                In LIFE CODE, Dr. Phil outlines the above categories to help cite, define, understand, and not be mislead or victimized by BAITERS.  To safeguard oneself from BAITERS, there are things we can do, actions we can take.  Be knowledgeable of how you present yourself to others.  Be able to distinguish yourself from others:  know you are unique.  Play big—stand up for the positive, be constructive, work your personal plan of importance in the right way.

                To live in this world, realize that you win by being recognized, complimented, sought after, and appreciated.  Accept praise in a gracious way.  Know and develop the best image—the need to become “essential.”  Work on what you want in life, not on what you don’t’ want.  Always work with a  plan—create a “guidance system for yourself.”  Dr. Phil continues, don’t allow yourself to be taken for granted.  Be interesting and develop a degree of “mystery.”  “Keep things close to your vest.”  Become a student of human nature.  “Be in investigatory mode”—by paying attention to how people react to happenings, events, or stimuli.  With your mastery of a skill, “behave your way to success.” 

                We do not live in this world alone.  Strive to surround yourself with a nucleus of people, supporters who share your same passion.  Always deal with the truth.  Remember, “people’s favorite topic is themselves.”  Be aware of ego and greed of others to create your path to success. 

A COMMENTARY

      I highly recommend this book by Dr. Phil McGraw, to those who want to live safely, successfully, and peacefully in this ego, self-driven, aggressive world.  The virtues of being nice, helpful, and benevolent are foundations of healthy living.  However, naivete, being off guard, and unprepared will lead us to be scammed, victimized, and exploited.

      In the end goodness and goodwill will prevail, but at the same time, we must be wise and strong in the midst of an adversarial world.

                                Dennis Ginoza, July, 2014

LIFE CODE by Dr. Phil McGraw

Copyright 2012 by Phillip C. McGraw

Bird Street Books, Inc.  Los Angeles, California

A New York Best Seller